I don't know if I'll end up posting this entry
but I'll decide only when I've finished typing.
Okay what do I say now.
I think I've fucked myself.
Not literally but emotionally I am not stable.
it has been long since i get the totally shut off mode.
i don even noe wad im thinkin nor doing.
i totally lost faith in almost every single thing i do.
wads the goal in my life when all im fightin for seems fruitless.
I've no more strength to face reality.
And fantasies suck balls.
So all I can say now is I do not know what to do without an antidote to keep me alive.
Can you feel my heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in my sweat?
will anyone bother to stop to think wad im thinking.
the anxiety in me builds up way too fast,everytings starts to move on so fast just im still lyin ard in the slow motion life.
where do i go from here,where does future lies for me.



my life a monochrome life.
jus leave me alone cos i noe i have to.















its you i care for after so long.
the pride i wiped them down again
but will u even bother to walk down the memory lane
and feel how i feel in this sheets of regrets.
wadever it is, i said it way too many times to let go.
sorry i tried but its never eay to forget.
a love so true so dear gone long gone.
its not easy to forget but its easy to not bother.
but why cant i attain both.
oh holy mama shit.
teach me how to don bother.

im not supposed to feel this way.
i got no right nor reasons to feel this way.
beyond reach beyond control.
its totally none of my business.
trigger the jealousy bug away from me please.
i don like the feelings.
i got it all but i feel so deprived.i go up come down and im emptied
tell me what is it that i shud feel
i tried my very best to let everything go
but there gotta be more to live.
than chasing down temporary high to satisfy me
cause the more that i am
trippin out thinking there must be more to live.
well its life ,but im sure
there gota be more than wanting more
i started to close the open doors
cos i noe i don wanna hurt more.
i chose to route to keep silence.
woke up with a bad headache and the construction upstairs is killing me
stupid bangla!
woke up in the most vulnerable state of condition.
bad headache stomachache and vomit followed after.
finally sat back to relax to make myself feel better.
in the quietness of the room i sat down and think back.
i scanned thru my room, the four plain walls.
the activities that used to happen in the room jus me and you.
the fun times we had joking around.
the laughters you brought into my life.
the hugs you always gave when u knew i just don feel right.
the times when you pat me to sleep when im sick.
these memories haunt me so much even till now.
i see you as a stranger but deep down i still care.
i denied i delude myself but wads the point.
the words of concerns never came out from my mouth anymore.
cos i know its never the same.
and now i really wonder wads love.
a four alphabet words yet i seek no explanation.
simple 4 letters yet serves a deep meaning to me.
i donte know wads true wad false whats right whats wrong.
i don even noe wad makes me really believe or trust.
but all i noe is wadever i do to you do for you do with u.
i have no regrets.
like i once said to you,wadever you do if ure happy im happy for you.
thats the last words i said to you,you never noe how much hurt i took to reply you that.
sealed with a tear,i let you go.
it has been 7 months but the memories still lingers on and on.


maybe we werent even supposed to be tgt in the first place.
that could have saved so much hurt so much tears
that could have saved a frenship i supposed
but all long gone.
stranger i see now in the present was actually lover in the past.
LSC you were once the precious in my life my gem my pride.
but the you now make me so afraid to look you in the eyes.










i typed i backspaced.
i have been doin it for the past 5 mins.
many thoughts ran through my mind but i jus dono how to type them out.
i lost the ability to voice out wad lies deep within and now i lost the ability to type them out in words.
maybe its just tt i couldnt find the correct sentence to describe the state of mind im having.
someone said to me why is it that i always appear cheerful to many yet in msn my nickname has always been emo.
i wished i could give an answer but i dont.
but i noe deep down,its tiring to have two different self being portrayed.
there are many things which i don understand nor want to understand.
i used to plan ahead to let me see brighter wad is it that i wann achieved
but i no longer do so cos im afraid im afraid of havin disruptions in my plans.
wad i see now in the future is bleak.
which move should i make i no longer knows.
all i wan is a getaway to take a breather.
i seriously cant take the chaotic lifestyle now.
im drownin sooner or later.





dear daddy and mummy,
i wished i could tell you how much i fear about my future.i wished i could tell you how much sorrows i feel deep down when u said those words to me. i wished i could tell you that no matter how harsh my future will be ,you can always count on me to support you and mummy cos i jus wanna give you all the best. i wished i could be the darling girl you are proud of. when i was young i wished i could gain back the freedom which im supposed to get but now i wished i could let you know i never wanna grow up for i always wanna be the baby girl in ur heart in your eyes cos ur daughter here am afraid of growing up. trust me daddy and mummy that i will take care of myself like how i will take care of u and mummy.you cant afford anything to happen to me and sister,neither can i afford to let anything happen to you and mummy and also the family.
i love you folks.

xoxo
ur always baby girl.








when im alone and out.
i wished i could jus have the shoulders i used to lean on
even for jus one night.
im contented but it doesnt matter anymore.
whats left behind cant be retrieved.
whats left unspoken shall jus be kept as a secret.
i still care but it really doesnt matter anymore.
linlin closed the chapter.
im really suffocating from the amount of workload im handling now.
so darn packed.
and i supposed other than work doubt i will go out anywhere luhs.
so tml will be the day and maybe monday.
other den tt, i guess i wil be homey!
stay at home be geekish and slp early.
mummy says i need to have itme management.
i seriously tink so too luhs.
i need to have suficient sleep.
effect of not enough sleeps = eye bags dark eye rings and inflation of weight!
on the side note! CNY IS CUMING!!(:
and and i got the impulse to dye my hair chestnut RED!
okay seriously im randomising luhs!!
off to bed.
am tired already.
nights people.















So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you
Totally thou memories lingers.
but the you i loved died.
I can't stop today
As it comes speeding down the track
Yesterday is hist'ry
And it's never coming back'
Cause tomorrow is a brand new day
And it don't know white from black
every quiet moment turns out to be a self reflection moments for me.
walkin down the memory lane this time round makes me think alot.
din really felt sad nor emotional upon arriving those touchy issues for the past 6 mths.
in fact im amazed as to how shortly 6 mths the changes that happen to me.
changes are happenin almost every day to almost every individual.
not really pin pointin at anybody but seriously i just don understand why can one change so drastically.
i used to be someone who gets wadever i wanted but as i grow older
i start to reap wad i sow.i started to earn the moolahs i need to support myself.
thus developing the kind of "don use money to trash me" attitude.
i donunderstand wads so great about money, i mean everything need money but is it tt impt till you din realise sometimes it might jus turn people off.
wad if one day becos of money, you are left with nobody to side with you.
how would you feel if one day you gets rich but den u got noone left beside you.
yes indeed money can buy everything u want.
including LOVE but den think again,what kind of love will that be?
it wont be tt simple and naive anymore,its plain monetary love towards each other.
i seriously don understand.


there are jus so many things i don understand.
but i jus cudden bother to go figure out.
but all the more i think, i couldnt get an answer out.
might as well don tink.

alright luhs.
shud get back to study luhs.
night pple!
toodle(:
weight of things left unspoken built up too much soon crashes me down.

how true are the above sentence.
many a time i realised i cant express myself well to anyone anymore.
so much a time till i jus feel like ending the whole conversation abruptly.
i guess im ttally a wreck cos i jus don seem to understand things on another perspective.
love hate situation i hate like totally.
but wadever it is.
one more year is wad i have to endure.

wad else but to endure lohs!

i tot i knew wad i wan to blog.

but now i realised i got nothing to say

cept tt i mus really turn my biological clock back!(:

good nights.

pure innocence

many a time i sat down and think back.

why do people hafte to grow old.

i really wonder if i can still stay like where i wanted to be.

the society is harsh from me to face.

the childhood moments are never there to last.

all i ask for is time for a cuppa of coffee and a storybook.

or jus mere sittin down enjoyin the breezes.

give me some time for quiet moments.

the innocence of yesterdays are cravings of todays.

i don wanna grow old,now that i wan to enjoy wad i missed out.
i wanna lie down on grass patches and look in the sky.
i am tired of facing adulthood.
bring me a bunch of balloons to see me smile,anyone?
all i wanna be is just to be happy.
sounds easy but hard to attain.
but ignorance is always bliss cos i juss wanna live the life i wanne live(:
its amazing how one can change so much.
i donte know if im thinkin too much
or its really the changes are too huge.
but wadever it is.
im in no position to speak nor say.
i rest my case.


one week passes me by so fast lahs!

I don't know if I'll end up posting this entry
but I'll decide only when I've finished typing.
Okay what do I say now.
I think I've fucked myself.
Not literally but emotionally I am not stable.
it has been long since i get the totally shut off mode.
i don even noe wad im thinkin nor doing.
i totally lost faith in almost every single thing i do.
wads the goal in my life when all im fightin for seems fruitless.
I've no more strength to face reality.
And fantasies suck balls.
So all I can say now is I do not know what to do without an antidote to keep me alive.
Can you feel my heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in my sweat?
will anyone bother to stop to think wad im thinking.
the anxiety in me builds up way too fast,everytings starts to move on so fast just im still lyin ard in the slow motion life.
where do i go from here,where does future lies for me.



my life a monochrome life.
jus leave me alone cos i noe i have to.















its you i care for after so long.
the pride i wiped them down again
but will u even bother to walk down the memory lane
and feel how i feel in this sheets of regrets.
wadever it is, i said it way too many times to let go.
sorry i tried but its never eay to forget.
a love so true so dear gone long gone.
its not easy to forget but its easy to not bother.
but why cant i attain both.
oh holy mama shit.
teach me how to don bother.